The Confessions Behind My Smile

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2007-01-14T16:41:00.000-08:00

Life iz a game. With many playerz of all kindz.. There are timez where yuu believe every one of us iz a winner, and timez where yuu feel like losing iz the only hope.. Love and respect the other participantz around yuu, but learn to stop trusting them. They will cheat through life just to make it to the finish line before yuu even get a chance to make yur first move. Throughout the game, there are many wrong movez made, along with innocent actionz that are either denied or misunderstood.. With experience, it helpz yuu learn from theze mistakez. Think of them az lessonz.. Lessonz learned in time.. Eventually, yuu are leaded through the right path towardz the end of this complicated begining. The finish line iz partly all yuu've really got from here on.. But until then, live life to itz fullest.. Regardless and unafraid of the chalengez it putz yuu through.. Becauze in the end, all yuu've got iz yuu.

No life without you

2006-10-12T08:28:00.000-07:00

You're much more than my prince, and all i've ever wanted was to be your princess. It seems the hall wayz are the only thing keeping us close. You're too good to be true. Somehow I can't get you out of my head. Your all I think about. All I worry about. All I really focus on. You're the only thing that actually makes me feel good about myself. Like, maybe therereally is a reason for my life. Sometimes I regret choosing to stay, but looking at you, I know I made the right choice. Life without you is no life at all. Crying for anything but you wouldn't feel like a real or worthful tear. I can't say I love you, but i'll admit i'm falling deep in that whole you dug up. You've become more like a need than a want. I've fallen before. For someone who doesn't even know I exist. But this time. Maybe just this one time. I have a chance. I slight chance that i'm not sure yet is worth taking. In a way, you're a waste of time. A waste of breath. A waste of finger stength writing this thing. Nothing but a waste, considering the fact that you don't even see me. But in the end, I'm willing to waste my wole life for you. Because therez nothing that makes me more happy than seeing you smile.

You never know what you've got til itz gone.

2006-09-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

I met a guy today. He was quite attractive. We were having a blast with our own little gang, until, we noticed that hiz eyez looked all puffed up and swollen... I found out that hiz father past away just a few weekz ago. But az people asked what the delay waz, he'd just simply smile and say nothing. No one really saw or realized the pain hiding behind hiz mask. You can tell by the redness and swelling over hiz eyelidz that he'z been crying... But all the other gurlz insist that guyz aren't supposed to cry thinking it waz nothing more than an alergy or some kinda irritation. Stupid bitchez have no feelingz at all. I told them how hard it must be to lose someone so close to you. Who watched you grow. How fkn unfair it iz when such an important part of both your heart and soul just fadez away. They don't know one bit of how it feelz. When daddyz not there to hold you anymore. Or how hard it iz not being able to watch dad come home from work just so you can tell him how much you missed him....
Az they grow older and smarter, hopefully, they'll finally realize what they've never really understood before... That trying to get over some guy, isn't intirely az hard az getting over the loss of your father.

R.I.P. xxx

Jake...

2006-09-16T18:23:00.000-07:00

I would never regret you...

Look at me, and try to understand me...

2006-09-16T15:08:00.000-07:00

Stopped eating, ran away from home, got a beating along with a permenent scar, came closer than an inch to killing myself today, all for this one very special guy. And you know what, he doesn't even care. He talkz about pain and people who actually feel something. But why can't he understand mine?

Now most of my life is being waisted because I not only live for you, ya you. but spend 24 hourz a day and 7 dayz a week trying to get you out of my head.

No second chance for me this time. And i'm definitly not giving reality one.

Note to self

2006-09-05T07:58:00.000-07:00

You fkn failure. Next time you think twice before you eat anything at all. Itz already enough that you ate a whole super 2 dayz ago. Remember, itz all for him.

I want him closer-

2006-09-05T07:28:00.000-07:00

Trying to get over him has been way to confusing. But watching him sing my life onstage tonight made me realize how much I really do need him. Just seeing him up there, strumming my pain with his fingers, made all the pain go away. I couldn't help but to cry while watching him sing my song. When I looked at him tonight, everything fell right into place. At that moment, life actually started making sense to me. I live in confusion without him. But when I looked at him, as he looked back, I finally felt like, well, maybe he does see me. All the pressure. All the pressure everyone pushes against me. Itz tight. At a point where I can't move. And it startz to get painful. Hez alwayz understood. Understood my pain. The only one who ever will understand it.

What i'm trying to say is, his thoughtz, hiz wordz, and hiz understanding changed my life. It saved me. Yet he probably doesn't even realize it.

Someonez Watching Over Me

2006-09-01T16:50:00.000-07:00

Tonight I cry for you. Like i've never cried for anyone before. Unfortunatly itz no phase this time. But therez an angel. My gardien angel. Hez alwayz there. Watching. Az he suroundz me with hiz cold but warming armz. I'm now sitting here in the dark. Regardless. Of everything around me. But hez still there. Hez watching. Watching over me. I'm not alone, though I thought I was. He is and alwayz has been here. He whipez that filthy tear off my face, az I slit my wrist and feel no pain. I'm broken, and therez no fixing me. But hez broken too. Hiz lipz tell hiz complete story. My tearz tell mine. I need you, and still feel you. Still feel your breath. Rushing down my neck. You don't know. You never will. What itz like to cry. To hurt. To actually feel anything at all. But once again, itz too late. I'm caught. In your fkn trap. When you fall, I fall. When you scream, I scream with you. When you die, I'm already dead. And now i'm nothing but a torn up piece of paper. So black my eyez and put me to sleep. Itz what you do. But he won't let you. Because he makez me stronger and more powerful than you'll ever be. Hez alwayz standing beside me. I can't see him, but I can definitly feel him. Like a wiff of warm wind. He helpz me realize i'm not alone. Hez my Inner Strength.

P.S.

2006-08-07T05:10:00.000-07:00

I wish you were someone I can talk to, Jake. I need you. More than anyone will ever know...

I keep falling. It'd be nice if I had you to pikk me up once in a while.... I can use some help...

Time... The one thing you can't win...

2006-08-07T04:39:00.000-07:00

Time. Itz the one thing you can't win. Itz going fast. Too fast. I'm maturing. I'm developing. I'm growing up. And i'm blaming it on time. And you. You're changing aswell. And I don't like it. I've almost grown up. I'm all about nightlife now. I spend 75% of my time away from home. My new sleeping hourz are from 6 a.m. to about 3 p.m... Whitch would mean I would have to miss the sunset. But I miss the sunset. I miss standing in the bright sun early in the morning right when it rises. I miss playing in the yard with my friendly neighboorz whom I grew up with. I miss that wonderful smell of the green grass after itz freshly cut. I miss helping my grandma make that special pasta I grew up loving. And the smell of my motherz sauce. Ugh that wuz alwayz her very best talent. That delissious tomato sauce. She would even have the neighboorz next door calling just to see what that incredible smell was. So now, when I really think of it, I wonder, where the hell have I been all this time?? I guess I'm in no hury to grow up,,, but itz time thatz rushing me. Honestly, I think drinking syrup and eating Nutella from the jar is still ok (whitch I still do by the way)... But it seemz to be immature according to otherz. Oh well..... I guess we're all just growing too fast. And I blame time...

Insane

2006-08-04T13:04:00.000-07:00

Lately, walking up and down the stairs has been making me feel like some worn out zombie... Honestly, I don't think anybody can ever imagine what itz like to have to be held down really tightly against your bed because of how nervous you can get.

Itz too late to save me now. I've been driven insane. I know you don't know. You'll never know. I'll the pain and stress I go through. And itz not a phase. This is my life now. Unfortunatly. But itz never too late for a trustable friend by my side. To talk to. To hold my hand. A safe shoulder to cry on. Anyway i'm officially alone. All alone. Living in my head now. True friends are not here for me today.

I wanna smash the chair I'm sitting on. I wanna brake the open door. I wanna punch the wall so hard I wouldn't feel any pain. I wanna stomp my feet so hard my neighboorz from across the street would hear it. I'm crazy. Out of control.... And itz all your fault.

You think you know, but trust me, you have no idea...

2006-07-22T17:09:00.000-07:00

I don't cry for attention, Dad. I already know you don't care.

Every tear tells a story...

Believe in yourself

2006-07-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

Itz incredible the amount of people that try to make it to the top, then all at once get crushed to the ground... Wiling to give up their entire life for it, and in the end, itz just all a waist of time. A waist of life. No matter how good you are, or how hard you try, even giving the total %100 of yourself most of the time still isn't good enough. Itz hard to make it that big when you've been living in a shadow all your life. Trust my words, its hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm holding on to something thats just going on in my head. Thats how I live now, my new reality. In my head. But deep down I still hear that little voice telling me not to give up on my futur, so I continue trying. Call me naiive. Tell me I'm hangin on to a dream that'll never come true. Show me the percentadge of the people who don't make it. But that won't stop me. Its been said that you never know what you can do until you try. If I don't exactly reach the top, it'll be cuz I wasn't good enough, not becuz I didn't try. That little voice inside of me still tells me I can do it. My inner strength. And I refuse to fail. Lifes waiting ahead of me. And therez nothing holding me back...

Enough...

2006-06-14T16:21:00.000-07:00

Its hard to control yourself when you've had it up until the top of your head. Keep it all locked inside of me. The anger. All the anger and stress you never allow me to release. I was often told that I should fight for who I am and what I feel. Its gotta break free sometime. The thing is, you never allowed it to. All my nerves have been caged inside of me for far too long... And sometimes, you've just had enough. Up to a point where you can't control anything around you. It'll probably start with a few marks on your knuckels, maybe a few bleeding cuts on your wrist, and eventually leading to the darkest hole with absolutly no escape... Suicide. Its just so hard to try hiding from yourself thinking you've already disappeared. Sometimes it helps crying. Sometimes it helps wearing the heaviest eyeliner hoping someone would notice this black shade inside of you. A cry for help. Then again, sometimes it just helps putting a bullet in your brain. Its hard to focus after you've lost yourself. Hoping someone would at least try taking two fukin minutes out of their time to find you.

Well, thats life my friend... We all have our own fuked up realities. So might as well just shoot me now. No one sees me anyway.

That one love that will always be unknown

2006-06-13T05:59:00.000-07:00

I need him like blood in my vains and sweet syrup in my stomach... And I know for a fact that letting him go, will be the most difficult experience of my life.

The scar that will forever remain

2006-05-30T13:26:00.000-07:00

You taught me from right to wrong. You always made sure I'd follow through the right paths and directions... What the fuk happened now?? It seems as though you've lost yourself. What ever happened to 'Daddy's little girl for life'??

What a drag it is knowing the only person I would ever turn to, the one made me learn from every one of my mistakes, is gone forever. I'm still young. Why are you giving up on me so soon?? I thought you loved me. But soon you'll come back to all of this, try to remember all the special moments and wonderful memories we never had. Its your own fault. You were always that one person who always knew those very things that always made me laugh. You'd take me go karting. You'd take me out for some ice cream. Play with me in the back yard. Have a one on one basketbal match every once in a while. But now, I see you do nothing but accuse me and blame me for every fukin move I make. I can tell how you always do your very best to put me down after every word I say. You always knew all my week points. And now you use them against me. Seems as though as I get older, the hits and yells just keep getting worse. And now I see myself crying and bleeding. But you'll never see the tears I cry... And you'll never see the blood I bleed because of you. So why dontcha come over here dad. Punch me. I want you to punch me just like you did the other night. Right in the eye.

As Jake says... The very first punch is always the most memorable one...

Well... You've done it. You've given me the scar that will never heel. The scar that will still be there later on when I'd be looking back on my younger days. The scar that will remain til the very end of my life. And now, as the tears sting my eyes, I sit here in this dark corner, bleeding the blood you've made me bleed, crying the tears YOU'VE made me cry, as I still sit here, regardless of everything you've ever said or taught me.And now, as I look into the mirror that stands infront of me, all I see is a broken girl with a black eye. Fukin bastard.

I want you to come closer. Right here. Right now. I want you to watch me cry. Watch me bleed. Watch me morne. Watch me suffer. Watch me live. Watch my heart break. Think about it. Just take two minutes to think about it. Its all I ask of you. Take a look at me. What do you see?? Do you see me hurt?? Do you see my sorrow?? Do you see my heart?? How you've torn it apart?? How bout when you look at my eye... I'm sure you see the way you bruised and scared it. Well... What you saw, is my scar for life. You've been killing me inside and out. Yet you don't even care. These are the memories that will remain. The scars that I will carry throughout my hole life.

My eyes are now red as a pepper, and I've got bruises all over my body... And its all because of you. You're the one that kept me emo for a while, the only one that would constantly be hurting me the way you do. Its all you.

You tore my heart to pieces and I put it back together. You've lied and put me down and I've learned I will never trust you again. You pushed me to the ground and I've picked myself back up. I am now made of steal. You will never brake me.

A little piece of my mind

2006-05-29T18:26:00.000-07:00

Give up the fukin grudge, you better shut that mouth...
Why you always gotta judge
Everyone but yourself.
Take a look around you, There ain't nobody home,
I'm a freak, I'll admit, but at least i'm not alone...

P.S.:Fuck all of you.
I have the right to live my life.

To be a true fanatic...

2006-05-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had an artist that took up such a big part of your life that you can almost say you live for them?? I have. And how bout this one... Have you ever admired a celebrity so much that you're wiling to die for them?? Well my friends... I have...

There's never been anyone in the entire world that i've loved or looked up to as much as I look up to this one person. All I ever wanted was someone to talk to, yet I always thought this one person would be the only one who would ever really understand me. Its almost crazy how one person can change your entire life.

He's that one person I couldn't live without. He's the blood in my vains, the sweet syrup in my stomach. My life. My reality. The only thing that ever really made sense me. His music was that one thing always keeping me hangin on whenever I was falling. That one thing thats keeping me from braking down completely right now.

Something i've always wanted was just one day with him. One day. Thats all I ask. But as I look around me, I realize that all I'm asking for, is something I can't and probably never could have. And I realize that this is no life, and this reality i'm wishing for will only go on in my head. My obsession has now become somekind of sickness, a hardcore addiction. If someone would tell me i'd never in a life time get to meet him, i'd punch them. Right in the mouth. If you'd ever ask me how many times he went through my mind, i'd be honest and say once, because he never left.

This one person made a difference in my hole life. He's one of a kind. My one of a kind for always. Reaching as many people as he possibly could with the music that gave me the courage I have today. He means the world to me. He always will. Literally impossible for me to escape this obssession. But the part that gets to me the most, is that he doesn't even know my first name.

People tell me he will slowly but surely end up like most celebrities who eventually get caught up in all the fame and money, they say that all he sings for is all the cash he gets out of it. But I always new that wasn't even half true. I can almost feel the strong passion he has for his music.

As much as my family and friends pray I will find some way to escape this drug, they should know that nothing will ever stop me from admiring this one very special person the way I do. Something no one realizes yet is that I really don't suffer from my addiction... I enjoy every second of it.

And if ever I really do get a chance to meet him, I wouldn't faint or cry tears of extreme joy the second I meet him face to face, I would just simply spread my arms, wide around him, reaching for the tightest hug i've ever given, putting all my fears and problems aside, at that very moment thinking everythings finally fallen right into place, knowing there was nothing in the entire universe that was more important than those two short minutes I spent with my arms wrapped around that one person that changed every little thing about me. The way I dress. The way I speak. The way I think. The way I live. It would have been the very best experience of my life.

But, with time, I learned that you can't always get what you want, well, in my case, what you need. So unfortunate for me, the idol in my eyes will never see the tears i've cried over him, the fights I got into for him. But anyway, in the end, nothing will really change the way I feel about him. And 100% of my support will always go to him. Life goes on. And theres nothing you can do about it.

So please, don't look at this as a love letter, look at it as my confessions, as a true fanatic. And just know that he will always, and I repeat, always, be my hero, as he continues to strum my pain with his fingers. The one and only, Jacob Hoggard.